Ideal Indians...

We're Indians. We don't kiss. Kissing is what people outside India do. We just smile shyly at the people we love. Watch our many movies for proof.
We are all heterosexual. Homosexuals live outside our borders. We encourage our media to explore sexuality. We accept alternative sexualities, even though we are all convinced they do not exist.
Few of us undress fully while making love. Undressing is what people outside India do. We are content with a little wiggling and maybe a few post-coital cigarettes. Sex is, after all, a dirty word. We don't think about sex. It's never on our minds. We think pure thoughts at all hours.
We love cricket. It's because we're so good at it. It's because our cricketers pour their hearts into every game. Other sports are not worthy of our attention. Other sportsmen do not pour their hearts out into their games. Other sportsmen are not worthy of endorsing our brands of footwear, aerated drinks or car batteries. Our cricketers alone deserve our adoration. Our cricketers and our movie stars, that is. Our movie stars are intelligent. They study all scripts carefully and are always unwilling to propagate stereotypes. Our movie stars live clean, wholesome lives and are therefore perfectly suited to deliver clean, wholesome messages to the masses that adore them.
We are a patient, tolerant people. We accept all religions and tolerate all kinds of behaviour. We never riot. Rioting, too, happens only outside our borders. We keep the peace at all hours. We do not typecast other religions or provoke sentiments. Watch our many movies for proof.
All Indians are our brothers and sisters. This is why we respect all women. This is why women in our major cities can do as they like and travel, unaccompanied, at all hours. This is why our policemen are highly respected, for the protection they offer all women. We like women to have minds of their own. Women who lead their own lives need not fear humiliation at our hands. We do not brand them whores. Look at our many female film stars for proof. We respect them all. The ones who choose to do as they like on screen, as well as the ones who do not.
We have never felt the need to keep women at home, closeted or covered in any way. Bold women are never a threat to us. The idea of female sexuality is welcomed and holds no threat for our calm countrymen. We do not ask women to wear clothes we choose for them. We respect them irrespective of whether they're dressed in nine-yard saris or nine-inch mini-skirts.
Education is important for us. We respect our teachers. We encourage our sons and daughters to take up teaching as a profession. We pay our teachers well. We pay our teachers on time. We teach our sons that teaching is not just a job for women. We respect our system of education. We encourage our sons and daughters to get an education here, not abroad, because we believe in the system. The few who graduate abroad are encouraged to come back here, to make life even better than it already is for themselves and their countrymen.
We are proud of our culture. We uphold it every week. Our heritage is precious. This is why we protect it well. Our monuments are well cared for. Our museums are well funded. Our curators are literate and well paid. We do not allow people to encroach on sites like the Taj Mahal or the Qutub Minar. Graffiti is not allowed. Vandalism is a myth.
We treat our sons and daughters equally. We allow our daughters to marry when they wish to. We allow our daughters to pick the men they want to spend their lives with. We encourage our daughters to think for themselves. We believe they have the intelligence to make wise decisions. This is also why we encourage them to study further.
We love our country. We don't want to live anywhere else. We don't work towards the idea of leaving it and never coming back. Because we're Indians. Hypocrites, all.

--Rediff